When so much is left undone

I am the king of buyer's regret. I'll debate long and hard about a decision, make it, and then forever second guess myself. It's a rare treat when I make a hard decision and it just feels right, like when I went to Hungary last summer. After I bought the ticket (and not a moment before), I knew it was the right thing to do. Even when tons came up and I was tempted to recant, I stuck with it, sacrificing quite a bit and changing my life based on that good feeling. Sometimes I feel pretty good a about decision, but the question "What might have been?" is always there in my thoughts. I recently stood at a very significant crossroads and made a difficult decision. I stick by it, but I can't help but keep thinking about what might have been down the other path, and whether or not I could still go back and change my mind...

Az igazi

In the past year and a half or so I contracted what I call the "Provo virus." It spreads viciously, being contagious and effecting behavior before any recognizable symptoms. It's major effect on the mind is a constant and abiding obsession with marriage. Ignorance and misinformation abound concerning this disease, some even denying that it exists, and scientific knowledge on its cure or even prevention are woefully inadequate. An unsuspecting victim can contract it in ignorance and suffer the consequences the rest of his life. The flash point for this pandemic was, of course, Provo, but it spread rapidly throughout the international Mormon community, albeit on a smaller scale due to less than ideal incubation conditions. I have this virus. After a casual conversation with a member of the opposite sex my mind can stray to our potential marital compatibility, and I realized that the majority of those around me were doing the same. I toyed with various ideas for wedding colors while not even dating anyone. My ideal for an eternal companion became skinnier, blonder and more the daughter of a dentist. Slowly it sapped the meaning from my friendships, indeed, even of the meaning of the word friend to me. Luckily I spotted the symptoms in time to prevent it from spiraling out of control, and I managed to salvage a few friendships and precious little of my vestigial sanity, locking the virus into lurking remission.
Still, as any good Mormon, marriage is still the ultimate goal of my dating, but I haven't lost sight of the significance of having fun in the mean time or the importance of marrying the right person, as opposed to just a person. This of course begs the question: who is the right person? I generally find that my taste in girls bounces around like a squirrel in a bird cage. My current girlfriend and my previous one could not be more different individuals if I had planned it (and it wasn't the sort of break-up where I would have :P). All my crushes in between also seemed to represent cartoonish opposites. Part of my problem, I think, is that I love people. People in general fascinate me, all their flaws and idiosyncrasies combined with all their strengths and individuality. And people, like metals, cars, and races in an RTS game all come with their own pluses and minuses, their intrinsic value obscured by the sheer variety of attributes. Indeed, intrinsic value becomes somewhat moot when compatibility becomes the main concern.
This post was a vain attempt to force my mind to some kind of a conclusion, an epiphany about myself and world that would force me to a descision. Unfortunately (or, more aptly, the greatest fortune ever bestowed to sentient life) it remains just that, a descision, a matter of taste and preference as oppsed to simple optimization. So, if I want to get married some day, I might as well make up my freaking mind about something.